song on an album
when i was first pregnant, i remember just wanting to eat taco bell and sleep next to the toilet. once i stopped taking my prenatal vitamins, my nausea subsided enough so that instead of hanging over the toilet bowl, i could lie in bed and hang over a wastebasket. and in between dry heaves and spitting, i'd sleep. oh, how i'd sleep in that first trimester! two, sometimes three naps a day. nothing was more satisfying than pizza and sleep by the time i was in my fourth month.
now, i also must say that my pregnancy coincided with huge inspirational hits for my wife. i'd eat a submarine sandwich, take a nap, and when i awoke, honey would have a new song to play for me. sometimes, if she'd been writing in the bedroom while i napped, her unheard-before-by-me song would seem familiar, it's lyrics reminding me of my recent dream, it's melody the soundtrack to my eyes-closed journeys.
and then there was this one time... honey and i had gone to a carnival. not a big carnival, more of a small county-fair type of carnival. of course, my lifelong addiction guided me straight to what turned out to be the one and only candy shop in the carnival. it was a very nice shop, sort of retro-ish diner: sparkly red plastic booths with chrome detail... a jukebox in the corner, some pies in the window in front the cash register. but it seemed to be closing time as all the chairs were turned upside down over the tables, and there were no people inside. all the lights were on, which was strange... but even stranger was who was walking towards us in a pearled-blue suit. linda evans. that's right. linda evans. but it was weird- she hadn't aged a single day since her dynasty days. NOT A DAY. she couldn't be a day past 40, i figured. and then linda evans made her way over to us, swishing her dynasty hips back and forth, her frosted makeup so pretty shimmery and icey i wanted to immediately get a makeover, era 1986. her shoulder pads were of course tucked well beneath her dress's fabric, and all of her spangly bangly jewelry was 18k gold. her light floral perfume wafted over to my dykey nose, a nose that does indeed appreciate a nice-smelling woman.
suddenly honey was no where to be found. then linda winked at me. seriously. linda evans MADE A PASS AT ME. i pretended not to notice as i turned around and started looking for honey outside the restaurant. but suddenly linda was blocking the door, my only way out. she winked at me again. DEAR GOD LINDA EVANS IS HITTING ON ME!! and truth be told, she was pretty attractive. but for heaven's sake, i am a MARRIED woman with vows and respect to uphold!
"i'm going to be upstairs." the slut informed me. "you ladies come on up. i'll be waiting..." and then she walked past the candy counters, the pie counters, and up some stairs that led to an apartment above the candy shop/restaurant. i immediately ran outside to look for honey, whom i found with no trouble.
"OH MY GOD, HONEY," i hissed into her ear, "LINDA EVANS WANTS TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH US!" i threw my eyes open wide to show my terror. it wasn't terror at humping the hot lady, beg your pardon, it was fear to be intimate with someone other than my wife. i don't dig that. for me. it doesn't work for me. i know there are open relationships, and swingers, and all of that, and it can work for whomever.... i don't wanna judge others. but the thought of having sex with someone other than my wife FREAKS ME OUT. i am so old-fashioned. anyway.
honey looked reassuringly as horrified as i did. as we headed back inside towards linda's candy apartment, she whispered back to me, "i don't wanna have a threesome! do you?"
"no!" i shrieked, trying to keep my rising terror from being too audible. "what do we do?"
she looked at me. i looked at her. she said, "i don't wanna be rude..."
"me neither!" i said.
we looked at each other.
"girrrrrls?" linda's growling voice beckoned to us from the stairs. we looked over a the staircase, and the light was hitting her just so, allowing her shadow to cast down upon the stair walls. "i've got a glass of wine for us..."
we froze. at some point, we had grabbed each others' hands, cuz by then, our hands were glued together. our eyes darted back and forth between her looming shadow on the stairs, and each other's eyes...
and then i woke up. honey was sitting on the little love seat in the bedroom, just 10 feet from my incubating body, strumming her guitar, and staring off into space.
"OHMYGODHONEYIJUSTHADTHEFUCKINGWEIRDESTDREAM," i choked out, only one eye even open yet. honey stopped playing with the strings and peered up at me through her glasses. "do you wanna sleep with anybody else? do you wanna have a threesome? are you still going to be attracted to me when i'm huge and pregnant? are you still gonna wanna kiss me when i'm done being pregnant and my body is all different? DO you wanna have a threesome? you don't, do you? cuz i don't, ever. do you wanna have a threesome?" i threw her every insecurity and doubt and wonder that poured out of my pregnant brain.
thank god, honey threw her head back and laughed and laughed her throaty laugh. she even took her glasses off and wiped her eyes. then, without another sound, she picked up her guitar again, strummed a few notes and wailed, "I DON'T WANNA HAAAAAVE A THREEESSOOOME.........."
the insecurities passed, more strange dreams came, and we laughed some more. now it's over a year later, the babies are here, my body is forever altered in the most beautiful, womanly, life-giving way.... and the damn dream is a song on honey's album. i feel a little silly seeing my pregnant dream in print. i feel a little silly having so many people know that i dreamed about linda evans wanting to do us like a stud at the rodeo.
eh. maybe the story makes me look daring and naughty. but really... i'm such a strange bird sometimes. linda evans? i never even watched dynasty... i had the hots for stepfanie kramer from hunter and nancy mckeon from facts of life.... why would i dream about linda evans? so weird... oh, well.
i think there are some clothes waiting to be folded, and some lunches to make, and diapers to be changed.
onclick="window.open('http://www.melissaetheridge.com/threesome/', > 'popup', 'width=350,height=150'); return false">Threesome
now, i also must say that my pregnancy coincided with huge inspirational hits for my wife. i'd eat a submarine sandwich, take a nap, and when i awoke, honey would have a new song to play for me. sometimes, if she'd been writing in the bedroom while i napped, her unheard-before-by-me song would seem familiar, it's lyrics reminding me of my recent dream, it's melody the soundtrack to my eyes-closed journeys.
and then there was this one time... honey and i had gone to a carnival. not a big carnival, more of a small county-fair type of carnival. of course, my lifelong addiction guided me straight to what turned out to be the one and only candy shop in the carnival. it was a very nice shop, sort of retro-ish diner: sparkly red plastic booths with chrome detail... a jukebox in the corner, some pies in the window in front the cash register. but it seemed to be closing time as all the chairs were turned upside down over the tables, and there were no people inside. all the lights were on, which was strange... but even stranger was who was walking towards us in a pearled-blue suit. linda evans. that's right. linda evans. but it was weird- she hadn't aged a single day since her dynasty days. NOT A DAY. she couldn't be a day past 40, i figured. and then linda evans made her way over to us, swishing her dynasty hips back and forth, her frosted makeup so pretty shimmery and icey i wanted to immediately get a makeover, era 1986. her shoulder pads were of course tucked well beneath her dress's fabric, and all of her spangly bangly jewelry was 18k gold. her light floral perfume wafted over to my dykey nose, a nose that does indeed appreciate a nice-smelling woman.
suddenly honey was no where to be found. then linda winked at me. seriously. linda evans MADE A PASS AT ME. i pretended not to notice as i turned around and started looking for honey outside the restaurant. but suddenly linda was blocking the door, my only way out. she winked at me again. DEAR GOD LINDA EVANS IS HITTING ON ME!! and truth be told, she was pretty attractive. but for heaven's sake, i am a MARRIED woman with vows and respect to uphold!
"i'm going to be upstairs." the slut informed me. "you ladies come on up. i'll be waiting..." and then she walked past the candy counters, the pie counters, and up some stairs that led to an apartment above the candy shop/restaurant. i immediately ran outside to look for honey, whom i found with no trouble.
"OH MY GOD, HONEY," i hissed into her ear, "LINDA EVANS WANTS TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH US!" i threw my eyes open wide to show my terror. it wasn't terror at humping the hot lady, beg your pardon, it was fear to be intimate with someone other than my wife. i don't dig that. for me. it doesn't work for me. i know there are open relationships, and swingers, and all of that, and it can work for whomever.... i don't wanna judge others. but the thought of having sex with someone other than my wife FREAKS ME OUT. i am so old-fashioned. anyway.
honey looked reassuringly as horrified as i did. as we headed back inside towards linda's candy apartment, she whispered back to me, "i don't wanna have a threesome! do you?"
"no!" i shrieked, trying to keep my rising terror from being too audible. "what do we do?"
she looked at me. i looked at her. she said, "i don't wanna be rude..."
"me neither!" i said.
we looked at each other.
"girrrrrls?" linda's growling voice beckoned to us from the stairs. we looked over a the staircase, and the light was hitting her just so, allowing her shadow to cast down upon the stair walls. "i've got a glass of wine for us..."
we froze. at some point, we had grabbed each others' hands, cuz by then, our hands were glued together. our eyes darted back and forth between her looming shadow on the stairs, and each other's eyes...
and then i woke up. honey was sitting on the little love seat in the bedroom, just 10 feet from my incubating body, strumming her guitar, and staring off into space.
"OHMYGODHONEYIJUSTHADTHEFUCKINGWEIRDESTDREAM," i choked out, only one eye even open yet. honey stopped playing with the strings and peered up at me through her glasses. "do you wanna sleep with anybody else? do you wanna have a threesome? are you still going to be attracted to me when i'm huge and pregnant? are you still gonna wanna kiss me when i'm done being pregnant and my body is all different? DO you wanna have a threesome? you don't, do you? cuz i don't, ever. do you wanna have a threesome?" i threw her every insecurity and doubt and wonder that poured out of my pregnant brain.
thank god, honey threw her head back and laughed and laughed her throaty laugh. she even took her glasses off and wiped her eyes. then, without another sound, she picked up her guitar again, strummed a few notes and wailed, "I DON'T WANNA HAAAAAVE A THREEESSOOOME.........."
the insecurities passed, more strange dreams came, and we laughed some more. now it's over a year later, the babies are here, my body is forever altered in the most beautiful, womanly, life-giving way.... and the damn dream is a song on honey's album. i feel a little silly seeing my pregnant dream in print. i feel a little silly having so many people know that i dreamed about linda evans wanting to do us like a stud at the rodeo.
eh. maybe the story makes me look daring and naughty. but really... i'm such a strange bird sometimes. linda evans? i never even watched dynasty... i had the hots for stepfanie kramer from hunter and nancy mckeon from facts of life.... why would i dream about linda evans? so weird... oh, well.
i think there are some clothes waiting to be folded, and some lunches to make, and diapers to be changed.
onclick="window.open('http://www.melissaetheridge.com/threesome/', > 'popup', 'width=350,height=150'); return false">Threesome
posted by Tammy, midwestern girl/Mom | 14.9.07
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